Today’s inspiration comes from the wordpress daily prompt blog. Not very creative, but I think having wordpress email me blog post ideas every day can only be good for my writing habit. So, off we go.
Today, wordpress suggests I write about the last time I felt helpless. When I saw it on the train this morning, I thought “oh, boring, whatever…” and then I got to work and the whole morning went completely down the toilet.
Today I am working through…something. I can’t tell you whether it’s this year’s first bout of seasonal affectiveness or some garden-variety MS fatigue, but it blew. I was nearly in tears at my desk, thinking about how awful my job is and how badly I need to get out of here. By about 11 a.m., I was able to kind of collect it in my head, remember all the people in my life who I know struggle with this kind of thing all the time too, and know that it’s ok to feel that “NO SERIOUSLY I DON’T BELONG HERE LEMME OUT LEMME OUT LEMME OUT.” But before that realization, there were a few hours of feeling totally helpless against the weird combination of lethargy and anxiety about the lethargy.
I think I set myself up for this by eating too much yesterday and taking a nap rather than practicing. Like I said I would in my blog entry yesterday. I had lunch and made cranberry muffins (which are delicious) and ate a lot of those too. The ayurveda blogs say this is exactly the sort of thing we kaphas should not do. This napping and carb-eating and yoga-flaking. I think ayurveda is fascinating, but in practice it’s turning out to be more or less a complete killjoy, frankly. So, today I am fasting. They say fasting and meal skipping is good for kaphas because our digestion is so slow. And we should take 20-minute walks every day. I did that at lunchtime, and getting some fresh air while the sun is still up was an excellent idea. I feel loads better now. I am going to make an effort to take lunchtime walks every day this week and see if it’s something I can manage to do regularly.
I am still working on this fasting thing. The general consensus is that on a fasting day, you should drink lots of water and tea and have a couple pieces of fruit and fresh veggies, also pureed veggie soup is probably ok? I feel like I should be able to do this once a week. Today I’ve had my green smoothie for breakfast, and coffee, and since coming to work, I’ve had half an apple, a V8, and a few cups of tea and water with lemon. Then after my walk I planned to meet a friend for dinner tomorrow and the prospect of impending cupcakes put me over the edge and I caved and ate a bag of 100-calorie chips and 3 clementines. The clementines are permitted, I think, though there are rules about which fruits and veggies are better than others, which I haven’t really wrapped my mind around yet. Thus far in my fasting day, I’m feeling noticeably clearer. The lethargy of yesterday and this morning has mostly dissipated. I’m going to attempt the primary series with my dvd when I get home from work. If I don’t have the energy to finish it, no worries. But I’ve felt cold all day, (thanks, fasting!) so I want to do an energetic, warming practice.
I’ve ordered a book about ayurveda that I hope will clarify things for me. From my internet research, it appears that cooked food is good during the winter, and kaphas should eat spicy food, but not lots of fresh fruit, which can make us cold. So on a fast day, I don’t really know what I should do. But I do think a once-weekly fast might be good for me, so I’m going to try to keep it up for the rest of the day (no dinner??? no drinking?? I haven’t read about that, but I can’t imagine skipping dinner and having the 2 glasses of wine I want to drink is good fasting behavior.)